Journal Ramblings

Usually when I scan an image from my journal I erase the writing and type it into my blog, selectively sometimes. Today, I wasn’t sure what to take out so I scanned the whole page…which I actually worked on at two different times. (Man, there are a lot of sirens coming this directions right now…I wonder what is going on)…Anyway, It was good for me to draw this image and get some of my feelings down on paper. I am sure I am not the only person in the world who feels like this…and I would not say that my stress level has reached it’s highest point, but at times I feel very overwhelmed with all the things I am responsible for. I feel very small, and I sometimes feel that it can never be possible to be satisfied with the way that i handle all of theses responsibilities. I love my job, I would never leave it willingly. But it takes so much out of me, and sometimes… when I think about the time I spend with my family during the summer compared to the amount of time I have leftover to spend with them now, I wonder if teaching full time is the best thing for the kids and our family. I look at my sister and her kids…she does not work…her house is always clean (seriously)…she always has everything she needs…her preschooler can read…her 2 year old knows practically all of her letters and sounds and colors! My two year old…not even close…I can’t help but wonder if that is a reflection on me and how I don’t spend the time working on letters, practicing writing, and such with my kids…because I don’t have it – time. When I do have time with them we read books, play, or I am busy getting meals, drinks, changing diapers (takes up at least a half hour each evening), nursing Karson, or whatever other demands may come along in the few hours I have to spend with my kids each evening after work. Is this how God intends us to be? Am I doing everything I should be as a mother? I struggle with these questions often…even though I know in my mind that I do not have the choice to do anything different because of financial/insurance reasons. Regardless of all of this, I am grateful to God for providing this job for me because I know his hand was totally controlling all the circumstances of me getting hired here.

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